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Breakups are often painful--and sometimes brutally and so. If you've gone through a breakdown and find yourself wanting to go back together with an ex-girlfriend, there are some of import steps you'll demand to take and considerations you lot'll need to accost. And, unfortunately, not all of them are easy. But they are possible. Read on to observe out more.

  1. i

    Inspect your motives. Breakups are hard. It's natural that after breaking up with someone, you'll miss their visitor and the sense of security the relationship may take given you lot. More than than that, being on your own later a breakup frequently means having to be lonely with painful feelings that you would much rather avoid. Every bit a effect, your human knee-jerk reaction tin can be to just want things to go back to the way they were, which is at least familiar and often somewhat comforting.[1]

    • Before approaching your ex, you kickoff need to sit downwardly with yourself and soberly and honestly consider why the relationship ended and whether your motives for getting back together are genuine or only reactionary.[2]
    • If your motives for wanting to reconcile are rooted in reactionary or cowardly emotions, don't get whatsoever further. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself and on buckling downwards and dealing with the inevitable postal service-breakdown discomfort similar an developed.
    • If your motives for getting back together take to do with saving face in front end of friends or family, with proving to yourself or others that you tin get her dorsum if y'all want to, or with giving you a risk to hurt her back in any fashion, stop. Those aren't skillful motives for pursuing a relationship with anyone, and particularly not with an ex. You'll only crusade the both of yous further pain and emotional trauma. Instead, deport down and decide to deal with your feelings in an adult way.

  2. 2

    Remember very carefully well-nigh what ended the human relationship. This step is important for two key reasons: one, considering you lot should think very advisedly about why you desire to get dorsum together, and two, because the human relationship ended for a reason, and if you want to become back together, yous demand to be prepared to address that reason.[3]

    • Showing her y'all've reflected on the relationship and are prepared to larn from previous mistakes will demonstrate that you're serious and willing to change.[four] If you approach your ex with a thoughtful response to past problems and a willingness to change, she'll be more likely to reconsider the human relationship. You might say something like, for example, "I've thought most why nosotros bankrupt up, and I think part of it was because I didn't empathise that when got mad at me for being late, you lot were really upset because you felt like I wasn't making yous a priority, and I'd like to change that."
    • Albeit to what you lot may have done wrong volition help evidence that you intendance enough nearly the relationship to accept responsibility and that you're non merely trying to go back together for superficial reasons.[5]

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  3. 3

    Continue your distance. The more than you pursue her, especially soon later the breakup when she needs her own space away from yous, the more likely you are to accident your chances at reconciliation.[6]

    • Texting, calling, emailing, or otherwise trying to insert yourself into her life soon after the breakup is non merely irritating, it comes across as drastic. Null is more than likely to persuade her the breakup was the right decision than your existence clingy and immature past not backing off.
    • Try to await for her to come to you. Allowing her to come to you first has the advantage of putting the ball in your court and giving you some space to re-open the conversation about your relationship. If you try to force her to accept that conversation before she'southward ready, she's likely to pull away, perhaps permanently.

  4. 4

    Focus on you for a while. Don't obsess over the relationship'south end or fixate all your attention on getting back together. Instead, take time to yourself. Reconnect with your favorite hobbies, hang out with friends, and refamiliarize  yourself with who yous are apart from your relationship.

    • You lot may find that yous actually aren't missing much at all and that your initial desire to become back together was more emotional than rational.
    • Don't exist afraid to be on your ain. I of the worst reasons to get back into a relationship is because you're afraid to exist lone. That spells disaster for both you lot and the relationship.

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  1. 1

    Do the right affair. Before you make any moves to reach out to your ex, brand sure she'south bachelor and that you really take her best interests at heart.[vii]

    • If she's dating someone else, don't effort to come crashing in on the relationship. Wait until she's not seeing someone.
    • If you truly care about her and her happiness, put aside any jealousy, resentment, or bitterness before trying to approach her again.

  2. 2

    Network. If y'all know your intentions are good and if you lot're on proficient terms with her friends, you might consider recruiting their help.

    • Merely proceed cautiously--this can backfire in a large manner if her friends decide to speak upwardly against you rather than for you.[eight]
    • If y'all can get the help of her friends, though, they can be invaluable allies in helping your cause.

  3. 3

    Start slow. When you've taken enough time apart and are ready to effort reaching out to her, do so in a low-force per unit area way.

    • Don't first off in an emotionally-loaded way by saying something like, "I really want united states of america to get dorsum together" or the dreaded "we demand to talk."
    • Get in articulate that you merely want to assemble every bit friends to check in on each other'southward lives, non to make a desperate endeavour at reconciliation or hash out past grievances.
    • Set up a coming together in a neutral, low-force per unit area space. Suggest getting lunch or a cup of coffee. Avert choosing a location that's emotionally charged for the two of y'all, like a buffet you used to frequent together or the eatery you lot went to for your starting time date. It might seem like a clever move, merely it will but taint the meet and be more than probable to put her on the defensive from the start.

  4. iv

    Keep things casual. If your first meetup goes well and you're both amenable to coming together up again, aim for a similarly low-pressure situation. Make it clear that you're interested in reconnecting as friends at this signal and that you lot're not expecting this to mean that you lot're back together.

    • If, after spending some no-pressure time together, y'all both mutually experience that in that location's still a strong connection betwixt yous, y'all can bring up the topic of your relationship and whether the two of you might want to explore the possibility of getting back together. You might say something similar, "I've been thinking near our breakup, and I call up I understand the problems that led up to it. Do you want to talk about information technology?"
    • If she reacts negatively to this suggestion, back off. The harder you push when she's not receptive, the more you'll hurt your own cause. Give information technology some more than time and re-accost the topic if she seems more receptive. If she even so isn't into information technology, start to reconcile yourself to the possibility that it may merely not happen.

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  1. ane

    Have responsibility. If y'all want to re-first your human relationship, y'all're going to start need to take responsibility for what you may have washed wrong the first fourth dimension around.[9]

    • Sit downwardly with each other and agree to have a calm, adult conversation well-nigh past grievances.
    • Have responsibility for your own mistakes, and ain upward to them openly.[10] Don't try to minimize or deny things you did wrong; instead, evidence that you recognize what you did wrong and want to avoid like mistakes in the future. For case, yous might say something like, "I know I wasn't a good listener and that's my fault. I was also busy worrying about work (or school or whatever) and I didn't give y'all the attention y'all deserved. I'm sorry and I desire to change that."

  2. 2

    Focus on moving forwards. This applies whether you go back together with your ex-girlfriend or not.[eleven]

    • If you practise succeed in getting back together, don't dwell on past wrongs or spend time blaming each other for what went wrong. Instead, focus on discussing what each of you needs from the relationship and hash out how to help each other get it. Focus on what yous want moving forward rather than on what you did or didn't do in the by. For example, you might explain, "I felt like yous got annoyed with me when I went out with my friends, and I think information technology might accept been because I didn't let you know about my plans far plenty in accelerate. Is that correct?" And so suggest ways of resolving the trouble going frontwards, similar agreeing to give at least 5 hours notice before going out on weeknights, etc.
    • If you lot don't succeed in getting back together, don't obsess over your failures or over what she did to wrong yous. Acquire what you tin can from what worked and what didn't work in the relationship and showtime to move on.

  3. 3

    Have a game programme. If the two of you decide to give the relationship another try, have a clear game plan in place to help you move frontwards.

    • Decide specifically what each of you lot needs and wants from the relationship. Inquire, "What exercise you experience like you weren't getting earlier?" and "What tin can nosotros do to aid you get that from the relationship?" Similarly, tell her what it is you lot demand--without being accusatory--and figure out how the two of you lot can help y'all get that.
    • Set reasonable expectations with regard to your responsibleness for attending to those needs and wants.
    • Resolve to talk--a lot. Periodically check in with each other well-nigh the relationship and your satisfaction levels. Addressing these issues caput-on is especially important for a human relationship that comes with prior baggage.

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Add New Question

  • Question

    What are the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in individual practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli besides facilitates groups for those struggling with booze and drug addiction also equally anger direction groups. Equally an author, she received a Adjacent Generation Indie Book Honor for her volume "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. Yous can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    It's obvious, simply the first sign of an unhealthy relationship is any class of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Some other sign of an unhealthy human relationship is when ii people are not communicating what they're feeling to each other. A relationship besides may be unhealthy if you find yourself constantly questioning the relationship or comparing your human relationship to others.

  • Question

    Can you lot fix a broken human relationship?

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and Tv set/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, advice, parenting, and more. Kelli likewise facilitates groups for those struggling with booze and drug addiction as well every bit anger management groups. Every bit an author, she received a Adjacent Generation Indie Book Award for her volume "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and as well wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a human relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You lot tin can as well see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: world wide web.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Folklore/Wellness from the University of Florida.

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow past unlocking this expert answer.

    You can, but it takes time and you need to be patient. Try to explore all that'southward going on in your human relationship in an open and honest mode. You can notice a actually cute new beginning in your human relationship if you are honest about what has been missing in your relationship and what yous want to alter.

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  • Know that sometimes keeping an ex in the past is the best possible option. No matter how much the breakdown may have hurt, getting back together tin sometimes exist even worse. Call back carefully about whether you actually want to get back together, and if you neglect, realize that you lot may in fact have saved yourself a lot of potential grief.[12]

  • If you ex was abusive in whatever way--physically, emotionally, or mentally--don't endeavor to get back with her. E'er.[13]

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